Observing

I was in the worst mood this weekend..worrying over things that might/might not be..as i took my second shot with my P.I.C in the city i wondered "is this what  i really want right now?" And in that moment it was..but it was the only joyous moment for the night...oh and the pizza.. I know every night can't be the best night ever but I'd like to spend future nights more favorably

I'm not sure if things will make sense in retrospect...like my not getting to do my exam at the scheduled time...i don't know if I'm doing things the right way now..or if my anxiety about the present (or future) is useful

The only thing that seems to make sense is the past..maybe because it's safe..i can't screw it up because it's already messed up

I never used to like messes but now I've realized how much good can come from catastrophes...that being said..i know i should relax but i can't help but think one bad decision will throw everything into a tailspin and change the course of my life forever

But isn't it all planned out?..it's going to be ok in the end. i go through periods in life where i just want to act and then there are times i just want to observe and reflect on my actions

I think it's time to look back at all I've done these past few months and decide if i want to continue on this path or shift gears

I can only act impulsively for so long before the neurotic me starts to panic...

I don't think i should do the conventional "pen and paper" planning though..this period requires meditation and a change of persona

But whatever i do i need to hurry up so i can come back and deal with life issues that never seem to settle

I think the best solution is a good book...

Article from thought catalog

"5. Human beings have evolved to suffer, and we are better at suffering than anything else.

Yikes. It doesn’t sound like a very liberating discovery. I used to believe that if I was suffering it meant that there was something wrong with me — that I was doing life “wrong.” Suffering is completely human and completely normal, and there is a very good reason for its existence. Life’s persistent background hum of “this isn’t quite okay, I need to improve this,” coupled with occasional intense flashes of horror and adrenaline are what kept human beings alive for millions of years. This urge to change or escape the present moment drives nearly all of our behavior. It’s a simple and ruthless survival mechanism which works exceedingly well for keeping us alive, but it has a horrific side effect: human beings suffer greatly by their very nature. "